UNDERSTANDING SUFFERING
The Root Cause
Many use the words pain and suffering interchangeably, though they are not similar. Pain is inevitable. One recognizes and identifies pain through physical discomfort and non-physical like mental and emotional sources. Despite the inevitability of pain, there are ways and steps to cope with it that provide ease. However, staying at ease is a challenge that results in suffering.
Suffering is about one’s reaction to pain. It’s a process one goes through to achieve healing. Unlike pain, suffering is a choice. One gets stuck in pain because of the choices one makes or has made every single moment, either prolonging or alleviating suffering. The process is more on internal work such as mental and emotional, where some choices are: to live like a victim or a champion, to be limited or to be limitless, to decline or to thrive, to be inspired or expired, and to be stuck or to be free.
The prolonging of suffering comes from the lack of: sources of emotional support, motivation, knowledge of one’s inherent tools to recreate and renew experiences, and self-love. The lack of courage to admit one’s mistakes, humiliation, and guilt, and to open up and expose one’s vulnerability, embrace change, come out of one’s comfort zone, and get and receive help because of superiority complex make suffering even worse.
If prolonging suffering comes from places of lack, what are the root causes of suffering then?
The root causes of suffering are ATTACHMENT, LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS, and EXPECTATION.
1. ATTACHMENT is about being consumed and in bondage by thoughts, emotions, material objects, people, and by the ego’s whims like appreciation, people’s approval, acceptance, recognition, physical image, and reputation based on one’s created self-concept. One is also attached to pain for conscious and unconscious reasons: an excuse for special attention and treatment from others.
How can one detach from all these, then?
To detach is about:
PAUSING. It is giving oneself time to breathe, step back, reflect, and allow oneself to be in the present moment.
OBSERVING. It is the quieting of the mind’s chatter or the stream of thoughts and letting them slip by without labeling and judging through meditation. As some may find this a challenging process, one can start with REFRAMING one’s beliefs by questioning, examining, and removing unnecessary ones or thoughts that are no longer beneficial to one’s mental, emotional, and physical health. It’s stopping oneself from entertaining and adding negative stories to one’s thoughts. An AWARENESS is happening in pausing, observing, and reframing beliefs creating a space of stillness and experience of peace.
2. LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. By reframing one’s beliefs through unlearning and learning new ones, one would ask, who is doing the pausing and observing? Who is witnessing all these?
A remembrance and a new perspective about oneself takes place after and realize the years of programming by many beliefs are based only on form. The deeper “I” is rediscovered and reemerges. It is one’s true nature that is non-physical, pure consciousness, the spirit that is immovable, unstoppable, and indestructible, the eternal soul where nothing can be attached. One would realize that nothing can be attached to formlessness and to cause suffering. One can go through a self-discovery journey through moment-to-moment introspection for more self-awareness.
3. EXPECTATION is about being consumed by a conditioned mind where every act done or a favor given must have its corresponding trade-off. It comes from conditional love. Everyone has experienced disappointments and frustrations on different levels caused by one’s expectations. One consciously or unconsciously expects the impossible from others: to believe, think, feel, talk, and act like himself. Even uttering “I love you” to a loved one without any response would sometimes cause quarrels between lovers. What more about giving gifts and doing favors to others? One can agree with what William Shakespeare has said about expectation as the root of all heartaches.
How can one not expect?
To not expect is about:
LETTING GO is a process of non-resistance through releasing, removing, and freeing oneself from sources and influences that do not serve one, such as: controlling the reactions from others, the effect of disapproval from people, past experiences, self-sabotage, self-loathe, self-blame, and damaging self-talks caused by a lack of self-love and self-awareness. It is by TRUSTING the process and increasing one’s faith that helps one let go and witness the unfolding and natural flow of events of an organizing Universe.
FOCUSING ON ONESELF. Expectation happens between two or more participants, human-to-human, human-to-situations, and so on, where it’s just complex. Focusing on one’s life and growth releases one from comparisons and judgments of others, creating a more harmonious way of living. It is also respecting, acknowledging, and understanding that everyone is unique in processing and interpreting things and situations in life.
Armed with these tools, one can alleviate suffering by living a life of non-attachment, self-awareness, and no expectation. One may ask again, how can one not be attached to a loved one? Detachment does not mean abandoning and ignoring loved ones. It only means recognizing and identifying one’s intentions and beliefs, causing suffering in oneself and a relationship. Unmanaged emotional and mental investments in a relationship can cause pain and suffering. The most challenging one is the dependence on others to feel complete. One enters a relationship based on many reasons and some usual beliefs: to complete each other and that there’s only one path for both parties.
Let one open one’s heart and mind and become aware that one is born complete and does not need someone and something to experience completion. Every person involved in a relationship has a unique path and journey to take apart from the one combined with a loved one. Self-love is vital so one can understand what love is and give it away based on first-hand experience. If both parties have this awareness, the attachment may not cause suffering.
As every individual is unique, let these questions help and guide one:
For how long are you suffering? Why?
How can you ease or alleviate your suffering?
How’s your thinking habit?
What repetitive thoughts are you usually focused on?
What are your beliefs about yourself? Why? Are they serving you?
What are your ideologies about a relationship? Why? Are they working for you?
Why are you in a relationship? What is it to you?
What are your attachments in life? Why?
When you find your answers, ask yourself these questions again:
Why are you tolerating suffering?
What would meet your needs?
What would serve you well?
What would make you grow?
What would be best for your well-being?
What would set you free?
Answering some of these questions may help you discover your inner being or true self, intentions, reasons, and ways to alleviate your suffering. One may also gain a new perspective about suffering and discovers its benefits: source of knowledge and wisdom about oneself, inner power to turn it around and live a happier life.
May this serve as an inspiration and invitation to experience and bring one clarity and ease about suffering.
For further guidance, refer to the links below:
Come Back To Love
Understandings and Reflections On Self-Love
How to avoid getting Lost in Suffering-Eckhart Tolle
Simple Recipe for Overcoming Suffering-Eckhart Tolle
Why We Suffer-Michael Singer
The Crucial Difference Between Pain and Suffering-Gary Zukav
The Heart of Suffering-Rupert Spira
How To Deal With Pain And Suffering-Deepak Chopra
Suffering-J.Krishnamurti
What is Suffering?-
J.Krishnamurti
